Remove Wine Bottle Foil in 5 Seconds

I’ve spent 20 years doing it wrong. 20 years x at least 1 minute per bottle x I don’t want to know how many bottles …

It must add up to a small child’s entire life at least. A friend showed us how to get it off in seconds. It was so fantastic, we just had to open another bottle to believe our eyes. The bottles we’ve been through over the years, the seconds wasted while trying to first slice it with a knife or those rounded blade cutter things that I’ve never understood, all just wasted energy. I could have spent that time much more productively, for example, drinking.

I’ve sliced at it with scissors, I’ve chopped at it with big knives, I’ve dug into them with small, sharp knives. Yes, I eventually get it, but I can slice a finger, dull my knife, or worse, give the bottle up in frustration and move to beer.

Wine connoisseurs unite, sommeliers may not even know this (do they learn this kind of thing in sommelier school?), wine lovers around the world can show off to their friends and influence people at parties. It’s the ultimate conversation starter at a party where you don’t know anyone, you were just thinking of leaving, you spot a bottle of wine on the table next to the red pepper hummus dip, you notice a bored woman who you think is your brother-in-law’s-sister’s neighbor and you have an A Ha Moment. You slide over to the table, wave your hands slowly like a magician to get her attention, don’t say a word to keep up the intrigue, pick up the bottle, let her know it’s just an ordinary wine bottle, point to your eye to remind her to watch closely, roll up your sleeves to show you don’t have any tricks up them, then carefully, never taking your eyes off of hers, twist and pull the foil from the bottle.

Her eyes will certainly widen as she’s never seen such a thing. It’s been heard of in Wine Foil Removal Folklore that she springs forward and thrusts her arms around your neck, so be ready! If she does, just hold her tight and whisper that everything will be alright, that her life will probably never be the same. It’s not impossible that you spend the rest of the evening with her, then the rest of your life, you move to Madagascar and open up a scuba diving school. You never know. Just grab the bottle, twist, pull, and the future is yours.

P.S. I’m filing this under Productivity.