Squizard: squirrel + lizard
The Desert Son
Arizona Desert, April 30, 2015
Somber scientists surrounded the scene in the sunny state of Arizona Thursday to examine the first (and possibly last) known sighting of what’s been called the ‘Squizard.’
Our news team got a call in the morning while a group of five participants crossed Mule Train Road (just outside of Cave Creek) and noticed the seemingly strange but extremely dead animal sasquatched along the dividing line of the empty road.
“Yeah, it was only 5:45 in the morning, so it must have been hit late last night or early this morning,” said one of the participants whose name sounded like Genie or maybe it was Jeannie, we couldn’t confirm. “We asked each other, ‘Is it a squirrel or is it a lizard?’ but we couldn’t figure it out.”
The group was heading to what seemed like a baker’s conference as when we stuck our head in to have a look later that morning, the presenter was talking about a large loaf of peasant bread falling from the sky. The participants seemed highly entranced in the master baker’s techniques and our crew decided not to further intrude.
Scientists did DNA tests and indeed, the crushed critter was a hybrid of squirrel and lizard. Hopi elders were also on the scene and in so many words and hand gestures said something like, “We told you so.” The entire Mule Train Road was blocked off all morning as the scientists did their testing and gawkers came in from as far as Scottsdale to try to get a glimpse of the furry-but-scaly creature.
The local Hopi Indian tribe has passed down stories of the Squizzard for generations, but the western world never believed it–until today. They explained that when the moon was full and a lightning storm covered the desert, a flash of lightning in just the right spot could somehow ‘mind meld’ two species of not-terribly-naturally-coherent partners together as one. Seeing that the western ground squirrel and the spotted desert lizard are both common in central Arizona, the chances sparking up a Squizzard were higher than, well, places where they don’t have squirrels and lizards–not to mention lightning storms and Hopi Indians. We just thought we’d put that pseudo fact in there to make it sound like we did some research and have some numbers to impress you, dear reader, but you’re probably not even reading this paragraph anyway, you just want to see a photo of the Squizzard. OK, OK, fine. Scroll down.
Squishard: squirrel + lizard + Ford Bronco
Genie or Jeannie did sneak in her term for the deceased beast in a follow-up call as we gathered more for the story. “Yeah, that squirrel or lizard or squizzard became a new species called a Squishard when he crossed the road. Well, he didn’t make it anyway. Hey, maybe there will be a new joke for the elementary school kids in Arizona, ‘Why did the Squizzard cross the road?'” she asked our reporter, who replied that he didn’t know, but was pretty sure of the answer.
“To get a loaf of peasant bread,” she cackled and all her fellow participants laughed incessantly and we lost the connection. We at the The Daily Son have no idea what she was talking about.