Cold-blooded killer or mold-studded pillar?

Is that a dead body on your kitchen floor or is your plumber asleep at the pipe?

Andrea and Beth might have chalked it up to Charlotte being overly dramatic or delusional or just playing a trick on them to see how long it took them to get the joke.

But Charlotte was the least dramatic, delusional, or tricky of the bunch. Andrea might temporarily “forget” that her husband was in Spain for the weekend and slip away with the waiter. Andrea would certainly not have approved of that sort of action … because she might get caught and it wouldn’t look good on her social resume.

Charlotte was the most level-headed of the ABC Girls as some of their friends called them. Although she couldn’t be considered overly serious–a character trait she wore with pride–she was responsible and accomplished.

Which is all why Andrea and Beth were getting more and more worried by the minute. They tried to hide their panic in the only way they could–blatantly.

Always the linguist and wanna-be stand-up comedian, Beth came up with a line to break the ice.

“Charlotte, did you say there was a dead body or a red hadji on your kitchen floor or did you say you saw a red hadji on your bitchin’ door?” Beth smiled to Andrea and would have nudged her with her elbow if she thought of it.

“Or wait, I know, I know,” Andrea’s brain was churning like a wheel in a hamster cage. Unfortunately, there was about the same amount of brain power going on in between her dangling earrings and the glass walls of the hamster cage. “Or was there an unwed toddy on your moor?” Andrea giggled because she loved what she came up with and didn’t care if it meant anything. Then her brain kicked in. “Oh, a moor! It’s like a lake, but also in England,” she said with clear pride. “I’m obviously very British today.”

“Isn’t a toddy a drink in England?” Beth asked. “Like hot toddy, right?”

“Why would it be unwed?” Charlotte asked.

“Is there a dead body on your floor, Charlotte?” Andrea put a stop to the background check instantaneously.

“There most certainly is,” she said.

“And we’re still sitting here because … ?” Beth hinted and shook her head slowly in mock disbelief.

“Because I’m not done with my Radler,” Charlotte said.

“I’m sorry, but have you become a cold-blooded killer since the school musical Thursday?” Andrea asked, walking the tightrope between disbelief and impatience.

“Maybe I’ve become a little cold blooded, but I’m not a killer,” Charlotte answered like she was in a spy movie and did this all the time. But she didn’t do this all the time–and she never watched spy movies.

At this point, most people might have really started to dig into Charlotte. Ask her rational questions such as, ‘So, are you making all of this up or should we give the police a quick call?’ or maybe along the lines of, ‘Charlotte, are you completely serious? Look at me. No, look at me! Do you need help? What’s going on here!? What happened?’ All complete with lots of hand gestures and quiet screaming and incredulousness.

But the ABC Girls were always up for a little drama. It was usually a little tamer. Maybe, just for example’s sake, Andrea had had an affair with Beth’s cousin and Andrea knew it, but didn’t say anything because so had she. That sort of thing. But dead bodies? This was a new level.

Beth broke the lull in the party. “I’m done with my drink now, could you please end this game of charades so I can order another one or take us to your house so we can see the damn thing.”

“Absolutely,” Charlotte said, calmly, cooly and just a little too much like a cold-blooded killer.

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<< The kids, the husbands in Spain, the Radlers, the dead body, the car in the shop, and the hairdresser.